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From USAToday.com Posted 10/5/2003 9:24
PM Updated 10/5/2003 11:48 PM
'Urban
tribes' build bonds
By Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY
ARLINGTON, Va. — Are you in your late 20s or
early 30s and not married? Does your mother pester you about when
you are going to give her a grandchild?
You now have a new response. Tell Mom you're
not just procrastinating: Your generation is exploring a newly
identified life stage between college and marriage that is focused
on bonding and maturing together in "urban tribes." The latest
theory of young-adult development emphasizes the importance of
delaying marriage until you know who you are.
The idea appeals to the young, who see
themselves as part of a group with a positive label. It also makes
sense to many who keep a professional eye on changing social trends.
The concept makes "perfect sense" to Stephanie
Coontz, a family historian and co-chairman of the Council on
Contemporary Families. "This idea is a creative adaptation to the
fact people are marrying later in order to establish careers" and
experience different types of relationships, she says. "Like it or
not, we are having to seek a number of alternative ways to make and
sustain commitments rather than just relying on marriage."
Chuck Balog, 31, says his tribe is "like my
family away from home." Originally from Houston, he works in
Washington, D.C. Tonight he is dining on steak at the Carlyle, in
the suburbs of the nation's capital, with nine members of his "urban
dinner" tribe, made up mostly of staffers from Capitol Hill. "I can
depend on them. I've just bought a house, and they will all be there
to help paint."
Many of this urban dinner group come from
Oklahoma, says Katie Gumerson, 29, who now lives in Alexandria, Va.
"In Oklahoma, they marry young," she says. "It's nice to have a
group here with mostly singles. It says being single is normal,
healthy and happy."
The father of this new concept is Ethan
Watters, whose Urban Tribes: A Generation Redefines Friendship,
Family, and Commitment arrives in stores this week. Watters
identifies what he calls a new phenomenon, although friendship
groups have been around for generations. "What is new is that so
many exist as part of extended tribes. And we stay in them for so
much longer."
Watters' research base is the more than 1,000
young adults he heard from after publishing a short magazine article
on tribes in 2001. He had hit a nerve: The phrase he coined — "urban
tribes" — fits them, although they may not use the term.
Tribes vary greatly, Watters says. Many are
intricate, tightly knit, mixed-sex groups of singles, who support
each other emotionally, exchange favors and sometimes take trips
together. Some have gay members. Some tribes have a half-dozen
members, and others balloon up to about 25. Some eventually marry
and bring new blood into the tribe, as have several members of the
Capitol Hill group.
Tribes are often formed by a core group who
work together or went to the same college, who then bring in other
members, Watters says. Many have an enviable sense of freedom,
seemingly endless time to make and then correct life choices,
including jobs and partners.
"My mom had me at 27," says Jennifer Morgan,
32, of Columbus, Ohio. Her tribe of 25 is composed of several "mini
tribes" and has been together about 10 years. "At 27, I was still
figuring out what to do with my life."
The minis travel together from beaches to
mountains. "It is as simple as looking for our place in the world,"
Morgan says. "And if you never find anyone (to marry), you still
have us. You are never alone."
Tribe members don't see themselves reflected in
the popular NBC show Friends, who virtually live in each
other's pockets. "We are NOT co-dependent like that," says Sarah
Jarrett, 26, of Washington, D.C., a member of the dinner tribe. "We
are much healthier than they are."
Kerri Richardson, 32, of New York has been
divorced. She belongs to a tribe that is "much more diverse" than
Friends portrays, she says, one with multiple races and
religions. They provide a genuine support system. "Husbands and
wives may come and go. But your friends are forever."
Watters pleads guilty to navel-gazing.
Comfortable in a San Francisco tribe with up to two dozen members,
he delayed his own marriage until age 38. A baby is due this month.
Writing the book was "one way to look back and make sense" out of
the long years he spent before marriage.
The idea of tribes resounds with some
chroniclers of this generation. The idea "has some merit," says Abby
Wilner, 27, co-author of Quarterlife Crisis, the 2001 book
that tracked those lost at age 25. Delaying marriage is healthy, she
says. "All of my friends I know who married young have been
divorced. The rest of us are getting some sense of what we want
before we settle down."
Posted by BG on 10/7/03; 12:54:08
AM
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Intense loyalty. The group's message
is "we are on your side."